Why Abba's need to compete

Competition is nestled deeply in the heart of men

5:00am Monday, Wednesday, and Friday morning

While the rest of the world is sleeping on their memory foam pillows, an hour before many alarms will go off at a much more godly hour of 6am, a group of Abba’s gather.

Their alarms went off between 4:30-4:45am depending on the commute. These Abbas voluntarily got 6 hours of sleep, some maybe even less if their kids woke up in the middle of the night.

They will sprint, jump, sweat, get an elbow in their chest, holler, get frustrated at one another, and get back home tired, worn out and exhausted at 6:30am. Kids/spouses/roommates will wake up, coffee will be made, breakfast will be whipped up, and these men will throw on their Lulu ABC's pants and head off to work.

These Abba’s gather every Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 5am at a local gym to play 5v5 basketball.

I have often joined this group, and it is a competitive group. Guys want to win. Guys when they are not playing well will slam the ball into the wall in frustration, or let a word that Abba’s normally don't say slip out of their mouth. They will grow frustrated with each other, and frustrated with themselves for thinking they could pull off a move they did in college in their 30's.

And my wife cannot understand it. Why would you get up at 4:30am to go play basketball in a dinky high school gym?

Because I need competition, every man does.

Why men compete

My argument here is based on the hypothesis that competition, which I will define as the desire to test oneself in a fixed situation with a clear outcome of winning and a clear outcome of losing, is an innate desire of every man.

I think there are four major factors that explain this phenomenon.

Biology

There is something deeply hard-wired in our makeup as men that creates a need for competition. One of the base hormones of men, testosterone, is linked directly to assertiveness, dominance behaviors, and risk-taking - each of which correlate directly to a competitive nature. As testosterone increases or decreases, the desire to compete fluctuates accordingly.

Evolution

Without getting into an evolution vs. creationism debate here, there are some easy-to-understand concepts surrounding competition in evolution. In a tribal ecosystem, men often had to compete for mating privileges with women. The best hunter, the fastest sprinter, the physically "best" in the tribe would naturally have a better chance of passing on their gene pool to the next generation.

Neurologically

In researching this topic, there is some fascinating research that details that the male brain is actually hard-wired neurologically to track competition. In a paper entitled "Brain mechanisms of social comparison and their influence on the reward system," researchers outline how the male brain is quite literally built to care not just about what you have, but how it stacks up. To explain the article simply: our brain loves rewards - but only if we are winning. There is a part of the brain called the ventral striatum that lights up when something good happens, i.e., a compliment or a bonus at work. However, that part of the brain doesn't just care about the reward itself; it also cares about how that reward compares to what other people received, i.e., you got a $100 bonus, but your coworker got $500 so you feel bad.

Additionally, there are areas in the brain, the pre-frontal cortex and temporal areas, that are constantly tracking where you stand in the "pecking order." This happens automatically; our brain is keying off who's more popular, more successful, more respected and letting us know about it.

In short, our brain, how we think, is forcing us to care about how we measure up to others; it is built to compete!

Spiritually

Lastly, I think there is a deeply spiritual component to our competitive nature. In competition we are asking ourselves some very fundamental questions: "Do I have what it takes?" "Is what I have enough?" "How will I be received by others in victory or in defeat?" and even more foundationally, "Who am I?"

For better or for worse, competition is fundamental to statements of identity in the experience of men. Everyone can remember a situation from childhood where they lost an important sporting event, and immediately felt a lack of self-worth or disappointment in one sense due to competition.

Good vs. Bad

If we are built for competition. If our brain is hard-wired to look at life in win and loss columns. If we can honestly admit to ourselves that we go through life in a mental pecking order of how we line up next to our peers. Then we need to separate helpful competition from unhelpful in the life of an Abba.

Bad Competition = How do I stack up against others?

Finances: What kind of car does he drive? I bet he makes more money than me. How many square feet is his house? Did he buy that house? Oh, I bet he doesn't have that much money; I bet his parents helped him out. I wonder how much he has in savings. Did he invest in bitcoin? Does his wife work though?

Work: He got promoted quicker than me. The boss likes him more than me. He is better spoken than me. Has his MBA, I don't. Graduated from a better business school. Has a side hustle, I don't.

Family: His kids are better behaved than mine. Dressed better than mine. Smarter than mine. Walked faster than mine. Eat more than mine. Better at sports than mine. Better names than mine.

Women: His girlfriend is cuter than mine. Treats him better than mine treats me. If only her family wasn't as crazy. Wish my wife would help more around the house. His wife cooks better than mine. Wife isn't athletic, rich, sweet, driven as others.

Physically: Better looking, more lean, more cut, bigger arms, has lost less hair than me, better facial hair, taller, shorter, better dressed.

Good competition = against thyself

How do I compare against myself? The world of self-help is blowing up right now. As a financial ecosystem, it is in the billions of dollars of revenue to try to help people "better themselves." Now what I am talking about here is not another "life hack" or a viral "morning routine." No, it's a desire to have a healthy competition against yourself to grow as a man.

Instead of measuring success based on someone else's achievements, you focus on outdoing your past self. Ask yourself, am I more patient, disciplined, loving, or courageous than I was yesterday?

It's about striving for growth, not perfection, and honoring your gifts and responsibilities, not trying to impress others. Pursuing excellence becomes a way to live faithfully, as St. Paul tells us in Colossians 3:23: "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters."

Competing against yourself also involves setting personal goals, quietly challenging yourself to improve in ways that aren't visible to others—like waking up earlier, being more generous, or choosing prayer over distraction.

Ultimately, this kind of competition is rooted in humility, not hustle. It's not about outpacing others but about being faithful with what you've been given. And when you stumble or fall short, grace allows you to start again.

In next week's CHA, we will discuss practical ways to compete against yourself in work, physically, marriage, and fatherhood.

This Substack is about fostering a community of men who don't run from responsibility but embrace it. If this resonates with you, like and subscribe. And share it with others—because we need a generation of men who step up.

And if you know a man who needs this message, share it with him. It could be the moment he finally steps into his role as Abba—in his family, his work, and his life.

CHA,

Chasing What Matters,

John Michael Lucido