Becoming an Abba?
The initiation process into Abba-hood
“What in the world are you wearing?”
The cute blonde next to me leaned over to me and asked.
I did a double take. First of all a beautiful girl was talking to me.
There is no way this gorgeous blonde was actually talking to me. I looked to my left and much to my surprise, she was indeed looking at me. I looked to my right, just to make sure there was not a 6’4 and jacked man on my other side that she was actually talking to.
Empty seat to the right.
“Wow she is actually talking to me.” I thought to myself
After concluding that miracles do indeed happen, I began to actually digest the question. What am I wearing?
Then I remembered it was Tuesday. I looked down and realized I was wearing jean shorts that were cut way too short for any man to be modestly wearing. Then at my cowboy boots adorning my feet, and the distance of my hairy legs exposed between the top of my cowboy boots and the middle of thigh, where the daisy dukes began.
I looked down at my shirt. Cut off Dale Earnhardt Jr. red Nascar shirt. (see below)
Then I remembered my haircut. The worst mullet ever cut in the history of mullets (see below) . To be clear this is actually a real picture of me, not AI generated like the rest of my photos.
Once again why in the world is she talking to me?
Oh right it is not normal for a college student to be dressed like this in their 8am Geology 101 lecture.
After a few seconds, felt like minutes, of this interior dialogue, I finally opened my mouth.
“Oh I am pledging a fraternity, and as apart of pledge-ship for my fraternity I am NASCAR pledge, and have to wear this every Tuesday and Thursday, and I can only take left turns on campus”
After she giggled, which I enjoyed very much, she proceeded to inquire about pledge-ship.
I explained in probably too much detail how pledge-ship was a 3 month process where you went through a variety of challenges, some stupid and some meaningful, to prove to the fraternity that you were fit to be initiated as a member to the fraternity. At the initiation ceremony, a pledge goes through a initiation ritual where they learn fraternity secrets, handshakes, and receive their fraternity letters as a life-time member of the fraternity.
Only taking left turns on Tuesday and Thursdays, (to mimic how Nascar drivers only take left turns around the track), wearing ridiculous outfits, and learning fraternity secrets seems quite silly now as an adult.
But the act of an initiation process seems anything but silly.
History of initiation in masculinity
Rites of initiation have a rich history in the life of a man.
Rookies, first year players, in the professional sports league have long been forced to have hideous haircuts, carry around little girl pink backpacks and suitcases, and always carry on their person chewing gum, electrolytes or snacks for veteran players. Hilarious Rookie Hazing Pictures
On a more serious note, initiation camps like Navy SEALS BUDS training and Army Ranger schools have been infamous over the years for their grueling, physical challenges that prospective SEALS and Rangers have to complete before becoming members of elite special force units. This video explains the initiation of BUDS well. SEALS BUDS Training Explained
Some of my favorite initiation processes however involve tribal masculine initiations. The Maasai tribes of Kenya and Tanzania have a grueling process of initiation for young boys that desire to achieve manhood status in the tribe. The process includes circumcision without anesthesia, a period of living away from the village, and traditionally, lion hunting (though this is now less common). Those who endure the pain and trials earn the title of a moran (young warriors), earning a new social status. Upon entering the village, their mother pretends to not recognize the young man, and the newly minted warrior must introduce himself to his mother as a new person would, representing the deep change of identity he has now experienced.
Initiation into Abba-hood
As discussed above, initiation serves a deep significance in the life of a man trying to become an Abba.
So besides undergoing voluntary circumcision without anesthesia, are their processes that we can undergo to begin to live a life of responsibility, gravity, or weight.
The good news is that their is not a one single way. There could be a lot of them.
What is most important is this→ How these moments effect a deep and lasting change in the character of a man. It could be many different moments.
Initiation into Abba-hood can be marked by a defining moment that challenge and transform a man, shaping his identity and purpose.
It could be your first real struggle or crisis whether through failure, loss, or doubt- becomes a test of resilience, forcing you to confront his limitations and grow. For some men I personally know this has been flunking out of college, the death of child, often in miscarriage, or being let go from a job.
A natural one that many men including myself was becoming a biological father. It is often a moment for men when a man experiences a painful but profound initiation of understanding the power of sacrifice and the fragility of life.
As an Abba ages, the midlife crisis becomes another trial, pushing him to redefine success and embrace mentorship, passing his wisdom to the next generation.
Retirement and legacy mark the final stage of initiation, where a man reflects on the life he has built and the impact he will leave behind.
Life as an Abba can be marked by many different initiations. Some big and defining such as described above, others small and simple like the daily experiences of suffering and responsibility.
What have been your moments of initiation in your life? Maybe it was wearing Nascar gear, maybe having a child, maybe dealing with the loss of a parent or a loved one.
Whatever it was, I would love to hear it below in the comments (post below).
This Substack is about fostering a community of like-minded men—men who are willing to grow, be challenged, and develop into the leaders they were meant to be. Will you share this with them?
Why? Because we need a generation of men who don’t run from responsibility—but embrace it.
If this resonates with you—if this is a name you don’t just want to be called, but to embody—then like and subscribe.
And if you know a man who needs this message, share it with him. It could be the moment he finally steps into his role as Abba—in his family, his work, and his life.
Next week, I will share my experience of initiation into Abba-hood at the macro and micro level and how it continues to shape me today.
Chasing What Matters
CHA,
John Michael Luciod